Fixing Your Marriage
Published by admin0 on Tagged Wife, love sex marriage, Relationship Rescue, Advice Relationship, Marriage Preparation, marriage family counseling, marriage counselor, Divorce, love relationship, marriage advice, care feeding marriage proper, Help Marriage, Marriage Save, Marriage, Relationship advice, Relationship Counseling, Marriage Counseling, love marriage sex, Save Marriage, Counselor Family Marriage, Counseling Marriage, love, Christian Marriage, UncategorizedSome people love to ‘Fix it all’, to the point where fixing their marriage becomes a central focus.
While this may seem like a good idea, the challenge with it is that relationships, for the most part, are like see-saws. The more one person does something, the less the other person will do. For example, if one spouse takes out the garbage all the time, the other spouse won’t even give second thoughts to taking out the garbage. If one partner does all the laundry or remembers other family member’s birthdays, the other partner won’t wash the clothes or think about birthdays. Sometimes the very best thing a ‘Fix it all’ person can do is just back off and do nothing. And you will find that by doing this, it gives the other partner an opportunity to step up to the plate, and become the problem solver.
A married couple told me of their situation. Jane and Thomas were raising 11 year old twin girls. Jane felt as if Thomas was too harsh and strict with them, and that he should correct them in a loving manner.
On the other hand, Thomas constantly told Jane that she was too soft and a push over for the girls. Because of this indifference, Jane and Thomas argued quite often. If one of the girls did something, Jane would mildly correct them, while Thomas would come down on them very hard. Then Jane would step in and reassure the daughter, to soften Thomas’ impact. Of course, this made Thomas even more upset; to the point where he would lash out at both Jane and the girls. Jane’s ultimate goal was to help the girls feel good about themselves, and to encourage a more loving relationship between the girls and their father. However, her actions were bringing out the opposite of what she wanted. So for years, Jane tried to become the ‘Fix it all’ person.
While Jane was out of town on a business trip for a few days, she received a call from the girls saying that their dad was yelling and telling them mean things.
Jane hung up the phone called me. I told her to let them work it out and not to say anything to Thomas. So she called back home and told her husband that she loved him and continued on with her business meetings.
While at the airport on her way home the next day, Jane called home; and to her surprise Thomas answered the phone. She asked, “What are you doing home from work so early. It’s only 4:00 o’clock.”
Thomas answered, “I felt guilty about the incident last night with me and the girls, so I decided to pick them up from school early today and treat them to dinner tonight and buy them each a small gift.
Jane was shocked and was silent for a moment. Then she asked him if that made him feel better. Thomas replied, “Much better.” Without Jane pointing fingers and butting in on the phone, things worked out and turned it self around. Thomas fixed it without her, and the relationship between the girls and their dad grew closer.
Jane learned that she didn’t have to ‘Fix it all’, and that by doing nothing, she actually did something.
If you are the fix it all person in your marriage, consider taking a sabbatical sometimes. Relax. Give your spouse the opportunity to step up to the plate. You might be surprised with the outcome.
There are 7 strategies that have effectively helped thousands solve disagreements in their marriages. There are also 5 stages that each marriage must go through. Learn all about these strategies and identify which stage your marriage is in, by typing your first name and e-mail address in the top right hand corner of this blog, then click ‘Yes, sign me up.’
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Are We Complimenting or Criticizing Our Spouse?
Published by admin0 on Tagged Wife, love sex marriage, Relationship Rescue, Advice Relationship, Marriage Preparation, marriage family counseling, marriage counselor, Divorce, love relationship, marriage advice, care feeding marriage proper, Help Marriage, Marriage Save, Marriage, Relationship advice, Relationship Counseling, Marriage Counseling, love marriage sex, Save Marriage, Counselor Family Marriage, Counseling Marriage, love, Christian Marriage, UncategorizedTake an in depth look at your marriage; would your spouse say that you are critical or complimentary? In most cases that I have seen, the spouses said that their partners were more critical. If we really think about it, we are not shy about telling our love ones what we dislike about them. We inform them when they have done something wrong, disappointed us, hurt our feelings or when we are dissatisfied about an issue.
On the other hand, we hesitate to tell them the good stuff, or to compliment them for doing something right. We may think that our spouse look good in a particular outfit, but we fail to tell them. We may love the meal that they prepared, but forgot to positively comment on it. When they come home early to spend time with the family, we complain about the amount of time we spend apart, instead of being thankful.
Your spouse may decide to have sex a little more often just to please you, but instead you complain about the same positions all the time. In other words, before we appreciate the things that they do, we highlight the things that they don’t do.
In our marriage, we sometimes confuse assertiveness with criticism. Even though there is a time a place for being critical; if we want to positively influence the people around us, there are other ways to do it.
Studies have shown that the most effective way to bring about behavioral change is to positively reward or reinforce the person when they are doing what we want them to do. When compliments, hugs, a note of thanks or appreciation is given at the time of an occurrence, it brings about change much more effectively than complaining or repeated discussions of unhappiness.
Joan constantly complained about Michael’s lack of attentiveness to their 9 month old baby. So he decided to help out a little bit more. He began changing diapers and preparing bottles more often.
Even though Joan saw his efforts, she complained about him not doing it the way she does. And of course, this discouraged Michael. He told her to do it herself since she knows more about this type of stuff than he does.
Joan became angry. In talking to her, I suggested that she apologize to Michael for being critical and find as many reasons to compliment him as possible.
She accepted my recommendations and began complimenting him more. Every time he did something for the baby, she would either smile or say something that she knew he would like.
The more she encouraged him, the more he reached out to both her and the baby.
After a few weeks, Michael was delighted to leave work and rush home to take care of their little baby.
Their relationship improved tremendously.
When you encourage small steps and make your spouse feel good about him or herself, then he/she would be more willing to please you. And maybe, with some luck, he/she may just get it “right”.
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Approaching Your Spouse
Published by admin0 on Tagged Wife, love sex marriage, Relationship Rescue, Advice Relationship, Marriage Preparation, marriage family counseling, marriage counselor, Divorce, love relationship, marriage advice, care feeding marriage proper, Help Marriage, Marriage Save, Marriage, Relationship advice, Relationship Counseling, Marriage Counseling, love marriage sex, Save Marriage, Counselor Family Marriage, Counseling Marriage, love, Christian Marriage, UncategorizedMy friend James works really hard. On weekends, most times, he just wants to relax and unwind and prepare for the week ahead. His wife Sherry, on the other hand is a very active person who likes to be on the go during week ends.
One day Sherry said to James, “I think our marriage is rather boring. All you do on weekends is just sit there and watch T.V and that’s it. We seldom go out to dinner. I want our marriage to be more exciting.”
Sure enough, James got defensive. He told her to do what ever she wants to make her life more exciting, but just leave him alone. Stop bothering him.
Sherry thought to herself, ‘I’m only trying to make our marriage livelier; so why is he being so defensive.’
She defended her statements, and so did he. It turned into a big argument.
In frustration, Sherry said, “I don’t know why you are getting so upset. All I wanted was for us to do something different at least once a month. Maybe go to the movies, or on nature walks, to a museum or a show…..Just do something different!”
James responded, “So why don’t you just say that. I have no problems with that.”
Sherry was totally surprised and wondered why he had put up such a fight when she approached him initially.
The answer is this: Its all in the approach. In the beginning, Sherry thought that she was setting the stage and wanted him to see that she was unhappy. But instead, she was actually condemning him for being truly ‘comfortable in his space.’ She was also telling James that he was disappointing her. On the other hand, when she asked for what she wanted with out complaining, she got it.
Sherry learned to be clear and concise about her desires, be action oriented with her approach and to be cognizant of her timing. If her spouse is in a bad mood, or had a bad day, she would not approach him about making changes.
Sherry told me that she learned about these strategies from reading ‘The 5 stages of a marriage.’ Find out which stage your marriage is in, by typing your first name and e-mail address in the top right hand side of the page, then click ‘Yes, sign me up.’
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Solving Marital Problems
Published by admin0 on Tagged Wife, love sex marriage, Relationship Rescue, Advice Relationship, Marriage Preparation, marriage family counseling, marriage counselor, Divorce, love relationship, marriage advice, care feeding marriage proper, Help Marriage, Marriage Save, Marriage, Relationship advice, Relationship Counseling, Marriage Counseling, love marriage sex, Save Marriage, Counselor Family Marriage, Counseling Marriage, love, Christian Marriage, UncategorizedGetting to the root cause of problems in a marriage can be challenging. One way of doing this is to dig into the past of each person involved, either with the help of a therapist or by yourself; to discover how past experiences helped to shape your lives today. While all this may be good information, giving insight on why you feel the way you do; it does not necessarily bring about change.
You may tell your spouse that the issues you are experiencing are due to how you were raised, or some other situation in your past. This can lead to one of three different outcomes.a) Your partner may or may not agree with your diagnosisb) The blame game becomes an issue. Either you blame your partner for not being understanding, or your partner blames you for not trying to overcome it.c) You sit and wait for your spouse to change So what can you do about this? Instead of putting emphasis on how the problem came about, focus on creating a solution; like Susan and Jim did.
Susan and Jim argued about finances for years. She felt as if he spent money too freely, with out giving thought of tomorrow or planning for their retirement; like his father did. Jim felt like Susan was acting like a mother telling him what to do. One month, with a little coaching, Jim decided to pay the household bills. When he realized how much money was being spent, he was shocked. They talked about the balance of the funds that was left over after bills were paid, and decided to put it in separate accounts, setting aside some money for retirement and some for having fun. They were both pleased with the outcome. Instead of focusing on the root of the problem of Jim being a loose spender, which he got from his dad, and Susan being motherly, they came to a solution which satisfied both parties.
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